Pilkington Twerp Family


Lord Bartholemew Syllabub Pilkington Twerp


Lord Barty's Parties are infamous & legend amongst his friends & colleagues for being utterly

Wild & Unruly.


He is the proud Co-owner of; "Crackpot Manor", However, he is blissfully unaware of the responsibilities that go alongside the day to day running of the Estate. The Right Reverend Ringo Twerp, his brother, is the other partner in this fractious business.


Barty had an accident in his youth whereby a baby grand piano was dropped on his head by clumsy removal men, when he was returning to move back into the old mansion house where he had grown up as a child. 


He has very little recollection of the traumatic incident but does suffer from Flashbacks, Hallucinations & Hilarious bouts of Manic behaviour.


He is generally a very Affable & Fabulous host but does have a short temper, so be warned.....


" Don't mess with my Toot Toot !"


Lady Felicity Delilah Spanking Pilkington Twerp


Lady Felicity is the Loving Portrait & Breathy Embodiment of a devoted partner to her Lord Barty.

Whilst Lord Barty still has his title & his name on the deeds of the Estate, Lady Felicity is ever sharp to the attentions of a Potential Pontificating Popinjay or a Galvanised Gallivanting Usurper with Gout.

Lord Twerp may not be in charge of all of his faculties but Lady Twerp is defiantly in charge of hers.


The Lady, is often quite fondly, referred to as "Madame Flirty Flick," due to the deft & handy use of her diamond encrusted riding crop,


Felicity Delilah Spanking Pilkington Twerp is an Ex-Nurse & clinically clean in appearance but filthy of demeanour, She suffers mildly from OCD but is the quintessence of decorum at public occasions & society functions.


Lady Bridgerton once said of her;


"She exudes all the Glamour of a Modern day Movie Star Princess and all the Guile & Coquettishness of  a Street Slut from Southall, If she were to sniff the air around her with any more Lust & Vigour, she would suck us all up and blow us out in bubbles !.....other than that she is a delightful hostess!"

Lady Felicity Twerp is also known as "The Cat Whisperer" & widely known for her talents for communicating in the medium of the Pussy.


Madame Flick is in charge of Health & Beauty in the New Luxury Spa at Crackpot Manor.

                                                        "Stick it in a Plant Pot & We'll see to it later!"


Johan Sebastian Pilkington Twerp


Johan is a lovely & gentle man, if a little dim behind the eyes, He is the simpleton son of Lord Syllabub & Lady Spanking Twerp.


He is an obsessive fan of The actor Sir Anthony Hopkins & his performances in films.

Johan regularly confuses "Silence of the Lambs" with "Remains of the day" turning up to his parents functions in fancy dress as a flesh eating Butler, with hilarious consequences.


His parents have gainfully employed him as an Assistant Groundsman & Chief Lawn Mower

at; "Crackpot Manor" to keep him out of harms way & public sight.


Master Pilkington Twerp is affectionately known to his friends as "Nibbles." Johan is often seen wondering off in a world of his own singing Coldplay songs to himself whilst eating peanuts & pretending to be Dutch for no apparent reason.

" A Census taker tried to test me once,

so I filled in the form and posted it to the authorities!"

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The Rev Pope  John Paul Ringo George

Pilkington Twerp The 3rd


The ambitious Rev Ringo is an abundantly empathy filled Clergyman who as well as being the younger brother of Lord Barty, is always religiously busy, keeping a beady eye on his Diocese, as well as being the Managing Partner & Chief Administrator of; "Crackpot Manor" 


The Rev loves to preach Fire & Brimstone with the feeling of a soft glutinous treacle emitting from a velvety dulcet toned voice, whilst his parishioners are parked on a soft floral velour        be-cushioned pew. He guides his flock with an iron rod, a firm but fair fist & some friendly firearms if necessary.


The Rev Ringo as he likes to be known, is a great believer in the modern therapies of Mindfulness, Wellbeing & Yoga with the Old school practices of self Flagellation & Moral Fortitude, This he administers on a daily basis to his enthralled & captive congregation.


He has not entirely embraced the remarkable resurrection of The Manor & its change of purpose, from Asylum to Luxury Hotel & Spa. The Reverend Twerp often gets confused as to whether his visiting guests are not actually brand new patients checking in for divine & moral rehabilitation.


He especially loves his old gangster Films; The Godfather, The Krays & McVicar.

Keep on his side or he'll tell you the infamous parable of "Luca Brazzi sleeps with the fishes."

Woe & thrice Woe betide you if you step out of line & don't show Reverence to the Irreverent Reverend.


" May the Good Lord bless & Keep you in the faith & respectful deference we all expect

or I will endeavour to bring you closer to him!"