The Staff at Crackpot Manor


Noris Johnson

Noris Johnson here, Our trusty Friend, General Manager & Facilities Director at "Crackpot Manor" He is also strong on Policy and Fiscal Matters at the New Hotel, Spa & Conference Centre.


He is absolutely & categorically no relation to our current Prime Minister although the Resemblance & Bumbling Faff & Kerfuddling Muddle, can be quite disconcerting & uncannily similar to our Bozza.


Noris has been integral in designing & reshaping the building from the old Mental Hospital into the now Luxury Hotel that is becoming ever iconic & never ironic.


In opening up some of the nooks & crannies & secret passages of the old building, he has managed to reveal wonderfully relaxing chill out Alcoves dotted around the building & has created the perfect space to relax in, even though the results like his plans can confound & bemuse. It's almost as though the Manor is part of his colossal amazing maze of a brain. 


No job is too small for our handy master of all trades &  whether it be holding a conference in order to change a lightbulb or fixing the rickety old staircase with some left over economy offcuts of Louis the Fourteenth Marquetry from the councils old privy .

Noris is your man with a solution to every problem & a lethal Nail Gun.


"Mind your fingers we'll whack this as hard as we can with a Jack Hammer

& then take stock of the mishaps !"


Chef Henri Michelin Le Prix


Chef Henri is our Highly Prized Three Star Uniquely Extravagant Gastronome par excellence.

Monsieur Michelin Le Prix is a perfectionist & an artiste of Culinary Magnificence in the kitchen.

He is an essential addition to the staff,

No matter what the weather or the persuasion of your inclination, Henri aims to please.


Henri dedicates his passion into directly delivering his deliciously fruity Coulis or a warm Jus into your amused petit bouche with vigour & Spice & all things nice.

Henri undoubtedly is world renowned at creating culinary explosions in your mouth, "Just wait until your senses taste his incomparable Tiramisu as it effortlessly slips down your throat.

"Quelle Sensation!"

His talent is as Exceptional as is his Ego and this fuels his appetite to passionately cater for Parties & Functions at; "Crackpot Manor" 

Some, at their own peril, would hazard to say he is Arrogant but what do those Peasant Philistine Filet Minions know?


It is by his own high standards & admittance that he has only ever given 4 people food poisoning at any one sitting per month & this is normally on Specials Day which is only to be expected.


Henri being the Epitome of "Joi De Vivre" is Overtly & Excruciatingly French. 

Le Prix is irresistible with his Undoubtedly Humungous & Unctuous Libido. 

This Gastronome Extraordinaire is Enormously Exuberant & Incredibly Sexy,


As a Bipolar person, Henri, has on occasion been prone to outrageous tantrums, susceptible to extreme highs & despairing lows, however, these do inevitably result in spectacular Hors Des Oeuvres.

If you request for your Steak to be well done, You will be well done.....possibly cremated even!


"Bon Alors, Ca Beigne!"



Sergai Walankov

The Worlds Rudest Butler & Waiter

Sergai recently won the coveted Golden Napkin award at this years

"Worlds Rudest Waiter Championships"

I am Waiter & Butler from Russia at; "Crackpot Manor that is my job.


"What do you want Now ?"


Doris Johnson


Doris Johnson is Noris'  identical Twin Sister &  his right hand man, I mean Lady.

Ms Johnson is the more than meticulous Head of Housekeeping & Curtain Twitching at; "Crackpot manor"


Doris' pride in her Manor is bordering on the psychotic & she is protective of her patch to the Nth degree; There will never be a single hair left on a bar of soap or a toilet roll that hasn't been given one of those triangle thingy's on the end of it.


From your arrival to your departure not a speck of dust will be seen in her gaff.

Every bed has been made with a hospital corner to the linen so tight, that she took a run up to tuck it in.


Doris' meticulous nature is only matched by her upkeep of this beautiful Hotel. She has been known to bend over backwards and sometimes forwards to accommodate her guests every whimsy or weird request.


On her rare day off, once in a blue moon, Doris is an Outrageously Randy Raging Party Animal. & can dance her stockings right off with a Sexy Salsa or by Poleaxing a Partner with her Peculiar Polka, don't even mention her Challenging Charleston or her Terrifying Toe Curling Tango. She can quite literally be, Murder on the Dance Floor.


Ms Johnson lives to service her clients & is known to lend a warm helping hand in the Luxury Spa & Sauna in a Matronly Manner as a Masseuse at the Manor.

" There's no Stiffness or Stains in my Super Starchy Sheets.

No Mattress remains unturned."