The Professionals


Dr. Bruce Bannister


Antipodean Dr. Bannister has recently been tempted back to the Commonwealth Mother land due to an ongoing investigation in his native Oz for professional misconduct.


After successfully dislodging a Contortionist from a baby elephant in a Circus tent during a matinee performance in front of a live audience 


Dr. Bruce, Swiftly decided to relocate to the UK to take up a residency as a Botox & Electrotherapy Physician whilst part time managing  the Gift Shop at; "Crackpot Manor."

There he designs & sells Novelty Umbrellas, Chili Short Bread, Home Brewed Manor Mead  &  Floral Pandemic Face Masks. 

He is not known for his bedside manner &  He may sometimes come across as abrupt, rude & downright offensive but that's how he is and that's why it comes across in this manner. Illness is a mind over matter, He doesn't mind & you don't Matter. Like it or Lump it & if you don't Like it then you can just; "Take a short Holiday in your Lunchbreak !" 

" Don't hesitate Amputate,,...

A little bit of pain doesn't hurt anyone,

& If You're in doubt cut it out !"


Dr. Cecelia-Sade Bosom


Dr, Bosom is the well loved & internationally recognised Television Agony Aunt & Psychotherapist to the stars, "Doctor C" famous for her acclaimed Bafta & Emmy award winning TV programme "Show me your Nuts!"


Dr. Cecelia-Sade is also a respected & published author of  Number one Best seller on;

" The Richard & Judy's Book Club List" of self obsessed, self help books with titles such as;

"Would you be able...?"  &  "Get off your arse & do something useful for a change!"


Dr Bosom is a recent & welcome addition the the staff at ; "Crackpot Manor" & has become a resident Psychotherapist & Neurologist for the guests who have come to her retreat classes in the Spa which cover everything from Aversion therapy & Frontal Lobotomy's to Hopi Earwax Treatments.


Whilst working on her new book "Healing the sick of mind and the perverted of soul" Dr Bosom uses new techniques such as Hot Stones & some very sharp Needles from the East. She wishes to utilise her studies of Medieval Medicine with Modern Therapies that smell lovely.

Cecelia is very approachable & a comfort to most, but straight talking with it, she's no fool and won't be taken for one.


"Would you be able... with your arse in two halves & no sign of it healing!"


Professor Rattigan Nostradumbass


Prof Ratty is consistently Flatulent, after Haemorrhoid Surgery, the waft of ill winds, send our Local Soothsayer into trances at a glance that conjure; Images, Manifestations, Apparitions & Hallucinations of the the past, present & future that no one wishes to see, but can only be described by him in person at; "Crackpot Manor"

He is as Potty as a Dingbat & Nutty as a Fruit Corner, due to the persistent visions. Professor Rattigan is convinced that Pestilence is to be bestowed on us Mortals & will be followed by Armageddon shortly after Tiffin on a given day of the week ending in Y, within the next Century or thereabouts.


He is mostly harmless, if a bit whiffy, however,  he's very handy for tip spotting the most likely losers in a Horse Race & predicting the likelihood of Inclement Weather patterns arriving from the South West but often the North East.

Only last week he foresaw a Politician lying, a Jogger breaking sweat & a Bear taking a dump in the woods.


"Beware the Gaze of the Charmed Rhino or is that the Alarmed Rhino?"

Copy of thumbnail_IMG_2324.jpg

Nurse Hippy Dippy Dappy Dave


Nurse Hippy Dippy Dappy Dave is a trained Vetinary Nurse and loves small furry animals but is also the Head Gardener here at "Crackpot Manor" Not only does he grow the medicinal herbs within the grounds he distributes them amongst the patients/guests wherever & whenever needed.

Some say he is the Illegitimate Love child of Lord Twerp & Dr. Bosom when they attended Glastonbury Festival whilst nobody was listening to Kanye West, but this has never been proven & would only make him 4 years old.


Other Popular speculations point toward the belief that he wasn't born of womankind  & is actually a horrible experiment gone wrong, from somewhere in the west country.


He claims to have been abducted by Kaliki Diki aliens, during an intergalactic road trip with his best friend Zaphod Trenchcoat on the planet "Wahikikalikidiki" Even now he claims The Kalikidikians send messages to him from their Star Ship in the form of waking dreams, messages he wants to impart to us all, in fact he can't shut up about them. the last one was;


"Peace out or Peace off, cos it's going down dude....!

Has anybody got any Cake"