The Patients & Guests



Detective Inspector Shady McStrange


Inspector Shady is as his name suggests, a very odd Character, he always likes to enter a situation as though it's a big reveal or surprise & yet he generally telephones in advance to say what time he'll be arriving but to not tell anyone else, as it is imperative this is kept as a secret,

It is thus no surprise at all, that he is always expected.


He is regularly seen skulking around in the Hotel grounds & then popping up randomly in odd Alcoves around the Manor as if he hasn't been seen and is searching for clues to something of serious consequence, Everyone knows that he will have lost the keys to his car or his house,

which he is constantly misplacing & yet blaming others for moving them.


He is often confused & in turn confusing, So ironically he organises himself by barking orders & telling other people what to do & when to do it by, Often leaving the recipient of said request, completely bemused,


Shady can never make up his own mind about anything, Just when he has made a decision he'll change it again, but only 3 or 4 times if your lucky.

The dilemma to go left or right can always be answered by reversing to go forward.


He should be known as Defective Indecision Shady McStrange , Whatever you do don't offer him a choice between Tea or Coffee, you could be there for hours, worse still never take him to a restaurant & give him a menu or at least if you do, make sure you've eaten beforehand. 

What's stranger still is his ability to get up and walk out of a situation without an Inkling  of explanation about where on earth he's headed off to,

A word of advice, Just make sure your at the ready with your shoes, coat & hat to hand, as you may have to follow him at a moments notice.


" I mustn't be late! Have you seen my Keys? Who's moved them? I'm sure I left them there,

Is Everybody Ready? Right Lets Go! "


Butch "Machete" Maverick


Butch by name but not so butch by nature. Lt Maverick is a decorated Soldier from the Army's Entertainment Core,

He is particularly known for his Christmas Spectaculars & is very much in charge of his Platoon &  his Privates of Entertainment. He only Parades his Privates when they are shiny & polished & you can almost see your face in them.

Butch & his troupe have completed numerous sell out tours with his performing platoons.

He suffers from horrendous flashbacks which are the result of a fatality during a choreography catastrophe involving a bone crunching  Pas de Deux, during his dance tour of Nam, his abbreviation for Nottingham. 


Lt. Maverick is also former SAS and has seen combat in that famous conflict of 2007 at the great warzone of that year's John Lewis January sales & the deadly assault known as; The bloody Massacre of Primarni.


He isn't afraid to use his massive Lethal Weapon in a fraught situation or a conflict, but he looks far more dangerous than he actually is which has resulted in him now being a shell shocked voluntary Resident & Guest of; "Crackpot Manor"

Lt Maverick is currently undergoing aversion therapy for PTSD & amongst other ailments & the occasional voluntary electric shock treatments,  which is out of choice as he loves them tremendously, " I go all quivery & vibrate a lot."


Although a patient at the Manor when it was an Asylum, Butch often presides over Yoga & Meditation sessions at the new Spa, which is great, unless he has one of his combat flashbacks.



"Listen to the wind & the waves from the ocean, deep breaths & Relax ,

Fire in my Hole !!! "


 Mr. Brian "The Cheese" Sparkle, 

Master of Ceremonies


Hi There it's Brian Sparkle, There's no one Faster than your Quiz Master, No one can Compare to this wonderful Compere, He's an absolute Maitre D-Light & Resident Hostest with the Mostest, at; "Crackpot Manor"


Mr Sparkle is a glittering performer & fantastic at impressions as he has a multiple personality disorder. This has in the past come in very handy in terms of explanations & alibis for disasters that have occurred due to his Arsonist tendencies & Pyromania. 

The Master of Cheese has only one regret, that he once had the chance of a prestigious TV Career as host of several Gameshows in the 1980's. Until he swore in 1983 & has never recovered or been forgiven for calling a 5 year old; "A pesky little Turd." during a rehearsal for "Crackerjack"


Brian believes his career was subsequently scuppered & destroyed by the Syndicate of TV Hosts Known as; "The Ask The Family Firm" consisting of Robert Robinson, Jim Bowen, Leslie Crowther, Roy Walker, Nicholas Parsons & Magnus Magnusson. His career ending moment was lead by The Dons & Godfathers of the  of the Gameshow genre, more feared than "The Kray twins" The Bosses of Dross; Dale Winton & Joe Pasquale who threatened to send him into a dark alleyway where Cilla Black was waiting with no offer for him to refuse.


Nevertheless, The Explosive Mr Cheesy Sparkle is the consummate Host for any Party or Function, Affable, friendly & a joy to be around, he can ensure a Party begins with a Bang & fizzes along the festivities like the bubbles in a champagne jacuzzi. Brian launches celebrations like a rocket at a firework display.


Just don't leave him alone with your Aunty Pam. 

" Good Evening ladies & Gents !

Let's Torch this fuse & Light this Party up Like a Roman Candle, I'm on fire tonight!!!"


Count Bradley Spatula

Or "Brad The Inhaler"


Count Spatula... is he for real?  Or is he one of  Bazza Sparkle's bizarre alter egos, they often wear very similar loud sparkly Jackets'? 


Known as "Brad the Inhaler" or "Wheezy" on account of his Asthma and inability to be able to sneak up on anyone by surprise.


Bradley amongst his ailments, also suffers from Dyspraxia, which manifests itself in a kind of clumsiness that can be shocking to most, especially when accompanied by the regular coughing or sneezing fits & the Sudden Ticks & Twitches that daily afflict him due to his mild form of

Tourettes Syndrome. 

We don't really know much about his past because we can't get close enough to him without being knocked over, covered in dribble or sworn at, however, Bradley claims to be an ex-dentist and a red wine connoisseur, We can't picture it without some trepidation, So we will just have to take his word for it. 


Brad is often mistaken for Bazza and Shady, because they all look so similar!

Interestingly they are never seen together at the same time or in the same room at;

"Crackpot Manor"

" I'd Love a glass of Merlot, sorry was that your Ming Vase? Atchoo! Arse !"


Sheriff Cletus Bubba Boreguard Bodean


Bo, for short; is a Covid Marshall as part of  his duties as Game keeper at; Crackpot Manor.

Cletus' affliction is dyslexia, hence he does occasionally get in trouble for shooting peasants and not pheasants when taking Lord Twerp out for a hunt.


He isn't really from the USA he's from Godalming, & loves "the Dukes of Hazard." & Sci Fi films which he watches regularly with his best buddy Johan, Together they wax rhapsodic about conspiracy theories & Alien invasions.

Bo is also convinced he was once abducted by illegal Aliens & forced to speak in a silly accent after being given an interstellar probe that went horribly, horribly wrong. "

They made me walk & Talk Funny Jo! I don't think I'll ever be the same again!"

Bo is also a little short sighted & Colour blind so has been known to mistake a melon for a Lemon, a Beagle with an Eagle & a Bear with a Mare.

This makes the Annual Country Fayre extremely interesting & Unique with Cletus special events that include;  Guess the weight of the Lemon? Bear Mating ! & the blue riband event of Beagle Vs Eagle racing.

"I'm not afeared of a Whoopin or a Hangin,

but them Green fellers from Mars can just git"




Zaphod Trenchcoat


Not so much "Dr. Who" more like "Dr. What the ****"  Zaphod Trenchcoat is a time travelling half Cyborg/Humanoid originally from Peterborough, born in god knows what year, it could even be the future. He travels in time & space looking for the other half of his face which he lost in a card game on what we know as the Planet Uranus.

Zaphod is a Rag & Bone man back on his home Planet, but mostly bones which he travels the Universe to collect & then make sculptures out of to sell as ornaments to embellish middle class Alien folks dwellings around the Galaxy. He specialises in Totem Poles as it doesn't mean the bones have to match that well & they're quick to make if you stack them high.

Some say Mr Trenchcoat melted the Humanoid half of his face during "The Great Battle of The Xentith Quadrant" near Alpha Centuri in the year 4645 A.D. However, it is much more likely it melted when he was trying out a defective Sun bed at the Hotel Spa whilst he was visiting his friend Hippy dippy Dave at; "Crackpot Manor"

Zaphod is always willing to make a deal and goes a little glaze eyed when he sees a funeral cortege He also does like hanging around intergalactic graveyards which is actually what keeps him traveling around the cosmos in search of new skeletal formations. Be aware he only appears on Earth a couple of times every 500 years & we never know when that will be. Blink & you'll miss him.

"Zoids alive !!! look at the Cheek Bones on That !!! "